Submissive Girl

i'm just heartbroken that he can make her cum and i can't. especially when she used to tell me nobody could make her cum like i did. it's just not there for us anymore. i'm crying right now, about this.

I totally forgot to mention that I got laid on Sunday night! My wife was like "pet me a little" and then "pet me under the sheets" and then it went all the way and she whispered my name and it was wonderful. :)

I learned something very important through talks with my therapist and my partner. My therapist suggested that my partner was getting her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, because she has sex with my Daddy and not me. But my partner said that she doesn't HAVE sexual needs. I got kind of angry last night because she was surprised I don't have orgasms with him, and I remembered that she DOES have them with him.

And then I realized...it's just a different kind of intimacy. I don't have sex with him because I love cock. I don't love it. But I love him, and I love submitting and serving and doing all those things. So I have sex with him, and I enjoy it. But it's not about sex - it's about feeling intimate with him, feeling dominated by him...and he expresses some of those things through sex. Like my therapist said, if there was a way to get those same feelings WITHOUT the sex, I would do it.

It's the same for my partner. She has sex with him and has orgasms with him so that she feels intimate with him. It's their way of sharing intimacy. But she and I share intimacy in other ways. He's not getting more than me...he's just getting a different expression of intimacy.

And you know what? I am okay with that. I feel so much more at peace now.

Argh. This makes me mad and I want to vent but I have nobody to vent to. So you get it.

Sept 2nd - I went to NYC and had time alone with him.
Sept 9th - Her birthday, we both stayed home.
Sept 16th - She went to NYC and had time alone with him. Ended on a bad note because he "inadvertently" hurt her physically.
Sept 23rd - We both went to NYC, she wanted time alone with him because they had ended on a bad note, but they expected me to get up and leave at 7am so they could have "oh just an hour" together and I forgot to set the fucking alarm which made her REALLY mad at me for a LONG time because she didn't get alone time with him even though they had JUST had it the previous weekend.
Sept 30th - I had been planning to go to NYC. I was willing to give that up if she really wanted it, which she did. Instead, he came to DC to visit us both. I got a couple of hours alone with him. Later, she got a couple of hours alone with him. Again, he "inadvertently" hurt her physically, which really pissed me off because god knows what she was going to want next now that they've had another bad note.
Oct 7th - We went on vacation.
Oct 14th - Still on vacation.
Oct 21st - We both went to NYC. She had events to go to, so he and I got some time together.
Oct 28th - I went to NYC alone, first time in almost 2 months.
Nov 4th - We both stayed home.
Nov 11th - He is coming to DC.
Nov 18th - She is going to NYC.

For some reason she's annoyed with me because SHE wants time alone with him. Like she thinks I think it's unreasonable. Like she's been waiting SO LONG. Well you know what? I waited the EXACT same amount of time, or maybe a week more, to go visit him alone. (We both agree that having a few hours alone over a weekend isn't the same as having a whole weekend alone, so we're both aware of the importance of full weekends.)

She does this kind of bullshit a lot and it's really pissing me off. Yeah, I am equally selfish about my time with him. But I don't pitch a fit over it. I just - I just - I can't even fucking finish this, it pisses me off so bad. I can't even explain myself. It just annoys the FUCK out of me how it's ALWAYS MY FAULT.

sometimes this whole thing makes me want to stab my heart out

So here is an update, a couple of people have asked for one.

I'm not sure I need this journal anymore. I don't keep it. I don't keep my paper one either. I am afraid that if I delete it, I will be disappointing or upsetting someone. But I just don't really use this journal. Not much of a reason to use it. Not much has been happening. Sigh.

I really wanted to write down all my thoughts, to have a sexy journal, etc. But I'm so used to keeping myself private. I just don't create entries in my head the way I do for my "regular" journal. I don't know.

stone_edge pointed out to me that I had not posted in a long time. My last visit with Daddy was about three weeks ago. It was actually very wonderful and special. Daddy's sleep schedule varies because he runs his own business now, but I tried to stay awake with him! I don't remember what we did Friday night when I got there.

Early Saturday morning we went for a lovely walk along the river; the only people out were those crazy freaks who get up at the crack of dawn to exercise! We wandered out along a pier and stood at the rail at the end of the pier, and I let my hair down and the wind was blowing through it and it was so lovely standing there together. There were a couple of other people around but we had our backs to everybody, so Daddy tweaked one of my nipples lightly. I started rubbing his cock through his shorts (I think he was wearing swim trunks!) and we kissed a little bit. Then we decided we really wanted to get back home where we could do more! So we walked back to his apartment and fucked a lot, and then we took a nap probably (if I remember right).

Saturday night was fun. We weren't sure what we wanted to do but it was SO hot that we decided we didn't want to actually go anywhere. So we ordered in and watched movies instead. I decided that I wanted to get really, really drunk. I have only ever been actually DRUNK once before - I have gotten very, very tipsy but only once have I ever needed assistance walking home. (Did I write about that? It was sometime last year maybe when Daddy and I went to a bar and the drinks were just HUGE! He took pictures of me that night but I don't remember seeing them.) But anyway, I figured I was already at home, I was with somebody I trusted with my safety, and I knew he would still love me in the morning even if I got really stupid while drunk. Daddy made two drinks with vodka and juice for me and I was pretty messed up. So he said that was probably enough but I wanted another, and he gave it to me. I wanted to be really DRUNK, you see...not just goofy, but DRUNK. I was having such a good time with myself that Daddy pulled me over to the bed and made me start sucking his cock. I struggled a lot but the alcohol in my mind made it easier - I simply didn't care that I couldn't breathe. After a while of that I remember that he fucked me. He said later that I really seemed to enjoy screwing while drunk. I fell asleep though, and he took pictures of me while I was asleep! He said they were arty pictures, playing with light, but I haven't seen those either...

It was Sunday morning that was really the most special though. Daddy had me top him just a little bit. Although he is a completely dominant personality, especially with me, he has been a sub in the past (a couple of relationships before me). In the five years I have been seeing him, he has only asked me for this twice, so it is really not a common thing for him - but it does surface once in a great while. I consider it very much part of my service to him when I top him. I am not very comfortable doing it - I am constantly looking for help on what to do next or if I'm doing it right - but if my Daddy wants to be topped, then it is my role to provide that for him. He wanted me to fuck him with the dildo of my choice (Daddy has a lot of them!) so I did that. He wanted me to hurt him a little bit, and I did that too. And yes, I enjoyed it, because I was supposed to. I could see that I was giving him what he wanted, and I enjoyed providing that. He said so many wonderful things to me during that scene. (It did eventually turn into more of "I'm the top and you're the bottom so fuck me you bitch" which was more comfortable for me, by the way.) We had been talking throughout the weekend about my grave concerns that he would want to see other people - he had even made me cry a few times by saying that yes, there were other people interested in him, and yes, he was interested in other people. I've also been concerned about my partner being submissive with him...I still do NOT like that idea one bit. But during this scene he said things like "it's different with you... [the partner] obeys me, but she's not my slave..." and "nobody else WANTS to be my slave." That was what really made me feel good. He knows that I have given myself to him completely, and he knows that is a rare gift, and I needn't worry about others because nobody else (that he's interested in, at least) could give themselves like I do. He also called me very sweet names and made me feel beautiful over the whole course of the weekend. Oh, and something else he said was "I want to take the same as I give to you so you can see that I do understand and I know what I am doing to you." And THAT is important.

Okay well I have rambled on about this for a long time! And I am going to see him this weekend too. I will write more later, hopefully about the emotions I've had in between that weekend and this one.

I forgot to mention something nice Daddy did a few days ago. He actually said "I love you" on the phone to me, of his own accord, without any prompting or even expecting it! And he sounded like he meant it, too. That was so awesome.

I forgot to mention the absolutely wonderful time I had with Daddy last weekend. From beginning to end it was a marvelous weekend. We didn't actually do any intense play, mental or physical, but instead we were just very close and loving the entire time. I would characterize the sex as "making love" more than fucking, because although there was definitely hard fucking involved it was done in a more loving way, and less dispassionately, than usual.

One time as we fucked Daddy told me I was to come on his cock. Unfortunately Daddy is sometimes silly and thinks I can come just through vaginal penetration. When he's on top he sometimes moves into a position that stimulates me clitorally, but not in a regular enough way for me to come. So we tried it with me on top (even though I do not normally prefer this), and that was nice but still didn't do it. Daddy positioned me for doggie-style and was about to fuck me, but then he stopped and said "we can either keep going now, or we can rest for a while." So we rested, and then he fucked me again, on my back. This time he let me rub my clit and I got really into what we were doing and I had a great orgasm. Daddy normally controls my orgasms completely, but he does occasionally allow me to have pleasure and come...but it must be on his terms. (Most of the time this means I have to have something in my ass.) He also likes to force me to come, telling me not to while rubbing my clit and generally making it impossible to follow the order not to do it! Of course I end up getting whipped for that, usually.

We went out to a movie - Million Dollar Baby, and I was not impressed - on Saturday, but that was the only time we went out. At some point, I was wearing a cheap Frederick's corset - a piece of crap that I wouldn't normally wear. Daddy was having me ride him on top, and for some reason I got so far into it that it was like I entered another world. I could feel him holding onto me, and part of me knew where we were, but the rest of me was taken elsewhere. I was also very cold for no apparent reason. Daddy thought that I had come, but later I was thinking about it and I think it was my first-ever trip to subspace in the almost-five-years we've been together. I had never experienced it before and I'm not sure I want to again...I didn't like it.

It was a really awesome weekend though. I didn't freak out or cry or panic or anything. I can't wait to see him again.

Well, I just talked to her, and she is on her way home. Of course she forgot to call me, so I was worried. And she said the bus was very crowded and she had had to get up and some other stuff. I tried really hard to sound upbeat but I don't know if I managed.

I still feel like the length of time issue wasn't fair. She is not going to be home until probably 9:00 and she will be tired from traveling so she will probably want to go to sleep by 10:00. This means that even after having been alone for three entire days, and having a strained relationship all last week because she was nervous about some medical results, I am going to get maybe an hour or two with her tonight. And then of course we'll be working all week. So like I said in the previous entry I will not get to spend any quality time with her for a while, and after being alone all weekend - not just alone, but her being with him - I really need that time.

I had been planning to dress up in a little merry widow she bought for me, and surprise her with that when we got home after I picked her up. I will still do it, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. And she had told me before she left that she would want me to put out when she got back, and I am horny, but I know she won't want to.

Okay, I'm crying yet again. Better finish taking out the garbage.

edit: I have decided to try to be happy that she is coming home. shelovesme. shelovesme. shelovesme.

I just got off the phone with my gf. She is visiting my Daddy this weekend, as I mentioned. We were chatting pretty comfortably - that is, I wasn't needing to cry - and I asked when she was coming home. She said she'd be on the 4pm bus tomorrow most likely. I said "Can I ask you to come home a few hours earlier?" She said "You can ask, but I won't." I think I whimpered something at her and she said that asking that wasn't fair. WTF? How is it not fair? Count the hours, dammit. If she had gone up Friday nights she would have come home Sunday night and spent all of Monday with me. That was what she was planning to do. But because of what happened, she went up on Saturday morning. So now she is not coming back until Monday night!! Instead of two and a half days alone I have to have THREE whole days alone. And then I won't get much extra time with her before we both have to go to work. We won't get to spend close time together until next weekend at the earliest.

I have a headache already and now I'm crying. I better stop and do something else.

Somebody spelled it out really clearly for me. This is my whole huge problem.

It is more then just this I think. It is also witnessing or having things going on where the needs are being supplied or perceived to be supplied to someone else or others. That is when the jealousy really kicks in. The betrayal of something that should be held between the two of you.

Also, Daddy was mean to me again. Here is an e-mail conversation I had with him yesterday - he's the one with the > in front:

do you love me?
> Yes
please tell me more?
> What do you want to know?
how do you love me? or how much? why do you love me? or what about me do you love? something along those lines.
> Rrrrr. I really don't like this.
Wow. That's really a shame

The reason I had asked was because my gf is visiting him this weekend. She is trying to get pregnant by him and I think he cares about her more than he cares about me. So I was hoping that he would throw me a bone and say something nice, tell me why he likes me at all, just something like that. And he felt like I was manipulating him. (My gf made me talk to him on the phone last night.) God dammit! Why should it be manipulating him to just throw me a bone?? The woman I love most in the world is going to be with the man I love most in the world and I'm all alone.

You'll probably tell me that I shouldn't be with him anymore. I don't know why I can't bring myself to leave him. I have fun when I'm with him. The sex is good when it's more than just him jerking off onto my face. I love him. He says he loves me. I don't want to leave him, but it feels like he treats me awful. He's an insensitive prick. He's an asshole. But I can't break up, because my gf wants to get pregnant. She told him she gave him control of her fertility. (I wasn't supposed to hear that part.) But why don't I get any say in the matter? If she got pregnant this weekend we'd have a baby in November. I'm so not ready for it. She brought the Cialis for him this weekend but she says she's not fertile this weekend, she just had her period.

I'm really sad and lonely and upset, so I think I will stop writing for now and do something fun.

There's more than a year's worth of posts on this one page! At least I'm starting to post more often, eh?

I noticed that I am on the friends lists of a lot of people! I will have to go through and check you all out and add you to my friends. And be better about reading my own friends list in addition to writing more.

Well, I talked with and cried at my girlfriend when she got home. She wasn't particularly helpful but she did hold me and let me cry at her. I ended up writing to Daddy and I said "Please explain to me why you're punishing me. I understand that you're angry but I don't understand what "acting this way" means." And that was all I said. He hasn't answered, of course, and I don't expect him to anytime soon. Well, not for two days, anyway. Phooey.

i have a song in my head:
every day heartaches grow a little stronger
i can't stand this pain much longer

i'm freezing cold.

well now i don't know what's going on. daddy had sent me a message while i was offline that said to stop paging his friends and saying things that were the equivalent of "stay away from my man." i don't remember doing that, of course i remember that i have talked with some people he considers his friends but i consider them my friends too but he obviously feels possessive enough to say "my friends." so i responded to his message and explained that i wasn't sure what he was referring to. i also mentioned that i was hurt that he assumed that whatever his friends had told him i said was the truth, and that i was automatically wrong without even checking to see my side of the story. he has said in the past that i have inferred things that he wasn't explicitly saying, and so i suggested that if i do it with him maybe other people could do it too. here is what he said back:

"I'm getting pretty fucking sick and tired of you acting this way. I will not speak to you for two days."

this just now happened, of course. i'm home alone and my girlfriend isn't here to help me. i'm crying. i think this really must be the end of our relationship, because he has never done something like this to me before. and the last time i was there we talked about how he needs to be more aware of the consequences of his actions, because he frequently does things to erode my trust and make me feel insecure about my relationship with him. i don't even know what "this way" is supposed to mean, he said it like it was a pattern but he didn't identify the pattern.

well i think this is probably the last straw. he has never cut me off like that. i didn't even respond, there is nothing i can say. i feel like i'm dying inside. it's over, i'm certain.

please, if you read this, please comment. i am sitting here still in shock.

This morning I e-mailed Daddy and told him how horny I am, how much I want his cock, and how dirty I want to be. He kind of mocked me and so I said I realized I shouldn't have sent that to him. He said that yes, it was odd to send that without seeing where his head was firsrt.

This is something strange and unfamiliar for me. Daddy used to always be thinking about sex and we would talk about it often. But ever since he lost his job last year (the company folded) and he started working on his own project, he says sometimes he's not thinking about sex. This is just so weird to me, and it's hard for me to remember it. My Daddy is so into sex - how could there be a time when he isn't thinking about it?

So anyway, he mocked me about it, and I realized I shouldn't send him that kind of thing anymore. So I said I would speak only when spoken to and he said he thought that was overdoing it. I said no, I didn't think so, in fact it seemed like a fine form of service: a slut who's there when you want her and silent otherwise. I was hoping he would comment on that, but he didn't. I had said that if he wanted to know how I was feeling, he could ask, and if he wanted to know how dirty I am, he could ask that too. He didn't say if he ever would. I said that I was turning myself off so it wouldn't hurt so much when I embarrassed myself. He said I'm turning off more than I need to. He said enthusiasm is good, but I need to manage myself so I don't get upset because he isn't as enthusiastic as I am. He said he was sorry I felt hurt.

I don't expect him to be as enthusiastic as I am...I was just hoping for something like "Very nice" or another short comment like that. I feel like communication with Daddy is so broken. I feel like I now have to force myself not to e-mail him at all unless he e-mails me first. I miss him SO much and now I have to cut off another avenue, because I want to make sure I only speak if I am spoken to. How will this ever work? I'm very sad about it.

I spent this three day weekend with Daddy. It was mostly a good weekend but we got into a fight this morning over something that's been bothering me for a long time. More later.

Remind me to tell about Daddy taking the fall for me in a beer chugging contest I couldn't handle...neither of us drinks beer but I was called up for it and he went instead of me. It was hilarious!

I sent this note to Daddy last night. I thought I'd share it here. He gave me a great response - short, but meaningful.

Right now I long to feel your strong, warm, hard body against mine. I want to be wrapped up in my Daddy's arms, cradled by his love. Your body is so different from mine, so distinctly alien, and I crave your muscles and sinews and planes and curves. I love your hairless chest, I love the way I fit so well against you with my head on your shoulder, I love to look up and see your face there.

And I want to feel you make love to me. I want to feel your strength as your body moves on mine, I want to feel your weight on me as your head rests beside mine while your hips move into me. I want you to pick me up, settle me on your cock, and nestle it deep into me. I am dreaming of feeling your power and control as you fuck me slowly, watching you as you penetrate all of me.

I'm sharing the list of things I talked over with Daddy. This is long and pretty personal, so I've lj-cut it. You can pretty much assume that any time I make a specific request, it's due to a previous actual event. (The first one is a good example.) Also, these are not in the order we discussed them in; we jumped around a bit.
( what I need to be happy )

That's the end of the list. We talked about other things too, of course. He mildly insulted me by saying he thought I would ignore my doctor's recommendation with regard to the baby, and my gf pointed out that I've matured a lot in the years he and I have been together, but he didn't realize that. Also, he claims that he had told me I would be the only one to wear my collar, but of course that's ridiculous. I remember with perfect clarity that he said I would be the only one to be collared. I wouldn't have acquiesced to less.